Brooklyn, NY, USA — Today an uncertain ending to a love triangle decades in the making unfolded in front of Mikey’s Hookup, a Brooklyn electronics retailer. The key players, pop songbird Lady Gaga and Sherpa/respected paranormal researcher Nawang Tashi have converged on this spot after tracing a mysterious presence since 1984. Both, unbeknownst to the other, believed themselves to be on the trail of a fearsome, mythical yeti. Tashi’s reasons for pursuing the purported beast were scientific but with a splash of vengeance–the beast consumed his entire family and their prized alpaca in the dead of the night. Gaga’s reasons for the pursuit were purely carnal. She wanted a kiss from a yeti. And who can blame her? The kiss of the yeti is said to bring wealth and luck to it’s recipient, along with imprinting the brain with a map to some leprechaun gold. “I’m totes gonna get that smooch, holla’!!” wrote Gaga in a recent diary entry (livejournal.com, post since removed).
Both had been following the trail of the beast via his copious droppings, and also asking around. Mostly the droppings, though. When the creature finished an intense game of Street Fighter II at Mikey’s Hookup (playing as Blanka, claim employees of the store), he stepped outside to find an ambush. Gaga stood there waiting with a choice yak steak and a comely smile, looking radiant in the lastest fashion from noted designer Christopher Jakubowski. The creature, at first intrigued, sniffed the air and then paused for a moment. “OH, HUZZAH!” came a cry from behind a fence, “AT LAST! I shall slay the foul beast and avenge my family, also SCIENCE!!” as Tashi menacingly waved a fearsome battle-ax. The yeti took off at a ferocious pace, disappearing into the snowy evening.
Nearly a week later, the whereabouts of the yeti are unknown, as are those of Gaga. She was last seen at a Talbot’s in Minneapolis signing the credit card receipt for the matronly clothing, “true love has changed me.” Chris Jakubowski could not be reached at press time for comment, his voicemail claiming he was “out being fabulous.”